SPY 21: The Ultimate Punishment

When I was in kindergarten I got in trouble for telling a non-christian girl she would go to hell if she didn't accept Jesus into her heart.

If I had gone to a christian school I probably would have been praised and gotten extra credit for evangelizing the fuck out of my classroom. 

Alas, I did not. Public school it was.

So this behavior wasn't "in line" or acceptable.

(which is actually good, thank you Jesus, lol)

That was my first experience with the school systems authority/punishment paradigm.

I felt extreme shame afterward.

I promised myself I would never get in trouble again because it felt so terrible and life threatening in that moment.

I didn't want to get kicked out of the tribe. 

Right then and there I planted the first seeds of perfectionism and people pleasing.

I vowed to never, ever, ever disappoint an authority figure again because it was quite simply TOO DANGEROUS.

I became hyper vigilant about suppressing what I REALLY thought and what I REALLY felt and started playing by the rules I had been given.

I started punishing MYSELF, shaming MYSELF, ahead of time, so the "authorities" would never have to do it again.

So I could stay safe.

So I could survive.

Aww, little leesha.

That was fucking terrifying.

And that experience didn't really end until after life crises number 4, around the time I graduated college and realized I had no semblance of an inner authority and no ability to feel ANYTHING other than intense panic/anxiety/depression/overwhelm.

Because of this sneaky subconscious decision, that it was safer to fall in line and obey authority to prevent punishment, it was safer to just punish myself ahead of time, I had become completely disconnected from ME.

My real thoughts.
My real instincts.
My real desires.
My real feelings.

ALL OF IT WAS CHOPPED OFF.

Of course I felt overwhelmed, confused and completely lost.

I had left my real self in that kindergarten room all those years ago. :(

I had to go find her. Rescue her. Set some shit straight.

(especially on the topic of hell and God).

And rescue her I did.

Do you know where you left yourself?

Do you remember the moment when obeying authorities became more important than honoring yourself and speaking your truth?

Do you want to bring your inner authority and self mastery/inner knowing BACK ONLINE?

Then my friend, the place to start...

is to STOP PUNISHING YOURSELF.

Listen to today's full episode below.

Cheers,

Ellicia

P.S.  Can I just point out the meta really quick?

I was punished for sharing my (very indoctrinated) thoughts about going to hell, and I was trying to USE the threat of future punishment on this girl as a way to manipulate and convince her to join my punishing/oppressive/sexist/racist cult.  I WAS PUNISHING THE GIRL, and that's why I myself got punished that day. The projection is reaaaal ya'll. 

Fun stuff!

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